1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
