the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
