I can't breathe out the right side of my face
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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