He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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