You really coming over, don't trick.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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