Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
