i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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