I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
