I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
