...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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