So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
