Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
