Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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