Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
