Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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