i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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