Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
