i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
