I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just want nice things and good sex
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
