what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You're a waste of cheezeits
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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