its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
