i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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