My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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