I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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