sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
