Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
