pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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