How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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