He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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