Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
