It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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