Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
