i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
