I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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