I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
high people should be assigned attendants
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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