it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.