i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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