All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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