i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pants are for mortals
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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