turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
