I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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