Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
