You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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