Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My cat gives me a boner
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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