Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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