I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
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I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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