please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I want to be your penis for a week.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Randomize
