I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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