i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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