I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
