A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I deserve this hangover.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
