Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
