The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
