I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
