What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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