Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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