I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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